Thursday 14 May 2009

Au Naturale!


Nature is a wonderful thing, especially during the summer months. The sunshine, the flowers, the summer romances, running through meadows of yellowey flowers with a new love…(Okay if you’re in the centre of London on a Friday night, or not appearing in a Timotai advert, that last one doesn’t count)

Nature has put together some fool proof ways for the sexes to attract to one another, giving us lovelorn a helping hand. Our eyes dilate. The heart rate goes up. There’s a stirring in the pit of the stomach.
And it’s true! I react like that every time I see Rupert Penry Jones. (He played Adam Carter in Spooks – it’s all I can do to stop myself licking the TV screen when he’s on)

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Let me fill you in.

It was just a normal Friday night in a bar in Covent Garden.

I was just standing there with the girlies, sipping my Mojito when he appeared, all smiling with a ‘hey.’

Then it happened. It began with a stirring inside me, and before I knew it whoosh, this out of control sensation overtook me. The whole room began to spin, I was light headed and could barely catch my breath. I became increasingly breathless and could feel my temperature rising. My stomach flipped, my legs turned to jelly ready to buckle from beneath me. An overwhelming emotion came over me – revulsion. He stank of body odour.

THOUGHT PROCESS AT TIME.
Oh good God, on what planet…there is no excuse…

And there really wasn’t! This place like most others had an attendant in the loo that would have let him have a squirt of something for the measly sum of a pound.

What’s more shocking is that this was just another out of many incidents in the last two weeks or so.

The Friday previous my friends and I were bopping away on a dance floor when this guy giving it all the Usher moves went gyrating past leaving a array of traumatised and collapsed women in his wake. (Funny how blokes don’t react this way. They seem to be immune to the effects of B.O, whether its their own or each others.)
And similar incidents happened (at times - weather permitting) during the middle four months of last year. In fact every year so far!

And alas this event brings me to my point! What happens men during the summer months? They turn into smelly hogs.

I’m not making a sweeping generalisation, after all the lynx factory is still in business for a reason, so there must be someone out there buying the stuff.

But, it has to be said, there are quite a fair few, especially those who seem to travel with me on the tube, who become SISMs (smell in summer man)

I do understand us women are lucky; Impulse cans are small and dinky; they now even come in half that size so they can slipped into an evening purse. But a can of Lynx can is hardly the size of an oil tanker. Jeeze, Tesco value roll on would do.

BE WARNED – the reaction I had to the guy in the bar, a man should only envisage causing that out of delight not disgust.

Men aren’t made to suffer in the same way.

My friend Pete loves the summer. Girls randomly start appearing, all tanned and girlie with flawless legs in sexy dresses. They’re looking all cute and little flashes of pastel coloured bra straps are showing. They leave the scent of flowery perfume wherever they go. They just alluringly start floating around the street, and on the tube and outside cafĂ© bars.

We women have needs too.

My ideal scenario would be a cross between Rupert Penry Jones meets the Diet Coke man. Que Diet Coke advert music. His rippling muscles on display whilst he effortlessly chops down a tree with an axe. (Oh hell, sod the axe, he rips the whole tree out by the roots with his bare hands.)
And yes there are pearls of sweat trickling down his well chiselled cheek bone, before the atmosphere becomes a touch ‘Lady Chatterley’s lover’

In no part of my perverted summer fantasy does he smell like a donkey’s play pen.

So its not fair that where women become tantalising packages of nasal and visual delight, men develop a malfunction in their brain that makes them go ‘Hark its summer, let me throw out my deodorant with reckless abandonment.’

What happened to equality?

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