My shameful secret!

“Oooooo, off anywhere nice?” Came my neighbour’s voice from behind me as I ran up the front path of my house towards the street.

“Just the dentist,” I replied still on the move. Taking into account my destination, the last thing I needed was to stand and chat. While I had the momentum, it was full steam ahead. However, something I’d said had pricked her curiosity.

“Aren’t you with the same practice as me, opposite the church?”

“That’s the one,”

“Oh!” She remarked rather concerned. “Are you sure you have the right day. You should check dear. I think you might have the wrong day.”

“No, its today!”

“Mr Wong doesn’t work on a Wednesday morning?”

“Oh he doesn’t. I don’t see Mr Wong.”

“You don’t?”

“No, Mrs Akhtar.”

“Mrs Akhtar?” She repeated. “Isn’t she the kiddie’s dentist?”

“Errrrrrrrrrm!.......well, technically yes…she is officially the children’s dentist. But I’d like to think she also offers her services to those patients whom may be in need of…of …careful cajoling; being an all inclusive kind of surgery.” I mumbled.

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POINT TO NOTE: How to get Jo Jo in a dentist’s chair.

Option 1 - Darting with a tranquilizer gun.

Problem – It is illegal on humans…and chimpanzees


Option 2 - Psychotherapy or Hypnosis

Problem - Too costly and time consuming. By the time I’m cured, my teeth will have dropped out.


Option 3 - Forcefully hold me down and get on with it.

Problem – Thankfully ever since those no-win-no-fee adverts came on the telly, the modern dentist is quite reluctant to do anything that may turn their patient into a gibbering wreck.


Option 4 - Gentle coaxing by a member of staff whose communication skills have proven successful when dealing with sensitive and fretful 3 year olds.

The method that is currently in use for moi.

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“The children’s dentist?” My neighbour repeated not quite understanding, “I’m surprised she sees you.”

THOUGHT PROCESS AT TIME.
Hmmmm, so am I…considering I’ve hit her twice.

The first time it happened I was just lying there.

Mrs Akhtar always gets me to close my eyes, breath deeply and concentrate on the cd playing on the stereo – Sing along to Noddy (I know that because my cousin Minu Didi’s little one has the same one at home)

Don’t know why, but I opened my eyes. I caught a glimpse of her hand holding the this big fuck off injection which was heading towards my mouth. In a knee jerk reaction, I slapped her arm out the way.

It was barely a tap!

It came as a huge shock to me as well when the rest of her body followed suit; especially as she is, what you would call…sturdy.
Or, as my dad would say (in Punjabi) ‘you can tell she likes to get stuck in the pakoras at family weddings.’

As for the second time, that was a complete accident.

Mrs Akhtar told me she needed to do a root canal…
…I told her there was a greater chance of Hugh Hefner being announced as at the next Pope.

I decided to get up and make a run for it, but couldn’t! The over head light lamp thing had been lowered. It was right in front of me, shining brightly into my eyes.

Then it dawned on me. Those lights weren’t there to help her look into my mouth!
No!
It was designed to trap me and keep me at her mercy.

“Oh my Lord,” I gasped in horror as I stared at her through the blinding flashes of light. It was like I was really seeing her for the first time.

THOUGHT PROCESS AT TIME.
How I’ve never noticed it before?
The similarities between you and Kathy Bates in ‘Misery,’ is uncanny…………Heeeeeeeeeeelp!

Half panic-stricken, half dazed by the light and still determined to make my escape, I pushed the over-head light with all my determination.

How was I to know Mrs Akhtar was leaning forward at the time in a bid to calm me down.
All I heard was a searing scream, then a thud.

As I jumped off the chair the ground beneath me felt really squashy.

Mrs Akhtar was laid flat out on the floor and I was standing on her gall bladder….

In all fairness, she did lift my life time ban from the surgery…eventually.
Some months later she went to Mecca on Hajj and whilst there had an epiphany, so to speak. She’d realised that perhaps she hadn’t been as forgiving as her religion had taught her to be.
To quote her ‘out of all the things Allah has ever thrown at me, letting you back onto my patient list will be the biggest test of my faith,’

And since then, not a problem.

Although I must say she has developed a rather worrying habit of grinding her teeth…and her being a dentist…doesn’t set a good example.