THE CONSPIRACY THEORIST.

Incident one

“So have you thought any more about having laser treatment?” Said Kully, my lovely waxing lady.
“Hmmmm…” I smiled trying not to take the conversation any further.
Last Monday night I’d gone to my usual waxing lady, who had converted her loft into a mini salon.
We were just finishing up when she bought up the subject of permanent hair removing laser treatment. For as long as I can remember, she’s been urging me consider the procedure.
“And just think you wouldn’t need to keep coming back.” Kully explained.
“I know but waxing as and when is fine," I smiled uncomfortably.
“Just think how convenient it would be for you.”
I must admit, it did sound like a fab idea. Was it an option? What about the consequences? “Perhaps,” I shrugged.
The word ‘Perhaps’ had barely left my mouth when I felt a gust of wind blew through the room.
I looked outside the sky light and saw how quickly it had clouded over. The change in atmosphere was like a slap in the face. The realisation of what I was about to agree to.
“Just stop harassing me…” I cried pleadingly as I ran from the room, out of her house and into the breezy air.

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Incident two - The following day

“Have you?” Demanded Bini
“Have I what?” Trying to fake that ‘I haven’t a clue what you’re speaking off’ reaction.
“You know what I’m talking about,”
“Do I?” I innocently purred.
“Look at the weather?”
“Hmmm,”
“Look. At. The. Weather…………….So I’ll ask again; did you?”
“Yea!” I sheepishly muttered.
“You’re so selfish…”


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I will now reveal all. – I can’t carry this burden anymore.

But first, I owe the nation an apology. Last weekend, over the bank holiday weekend, the weather was good, and then it wasn’t.

I kinda caused that.
I kinda cause that by getting my legs waxed.
Now don’t immediately write me off as some sort of wacko. Hear me out, please!
There is a direct correlation between my leg waxing habits and the turn of the weather. I kid you not.

I noticed it years ago. The sun would come out, catching me unawares. I’d think ‘great better get booked in for a leg wax and enjoy the sunshine.’ (As, like a lot of my girlfriends, in periods of winter and singleness I don’t bother)
But the moment I did. The weather would turn back again.
And this time was no different. Monday night I got my legs waxed – Monday night it rained.

If I’m honest its not just leg waxing. If I plan anything that needs decent weather, it turns, i.e. the proposed event that led up to my leg wax.
Mr DbT (Death by Thorntons) had asked me if I fancied a day in the country as he had the day off work. I’d had a really upsetting run in with an old flame the week previous and Mr DbT wanted to cheer me up.

He was given that nickname by my friends. He and I were walking through Brent Cross shopping centre last autumn. We were passing the Throntons shop on the first floor when I said I felt like an ice cream. He insisted on buying me one…the biggest one – with four scoops. I couldn’t decide which one out of my four favourite flavours I wanted, so he decided to get me all four.
He thought I could eat what I wanted and bin the rest.
I didn’t want to seem ungrateful and forced myself to have the whole thing – we hadn’t known each other that long.
So I spent the rest of the afternoon feeling ill with that sickly to-much-sweet belly churning feeling, and a sugar high headache.
Hence, he is now referred to as Mr Death by Thorntons. AKA DbT

So Mr DbT asked me on a day date.
(This still surprises me. Lets just say if you have read just one of my blog entries, it will come as no surprise that there have been a few times…Okay more than a few times…ample reasons for Mr DbT to think that I am a complete lunatic and he should run for the hills. But to my surprise, he doesn’t. In fact, he thinks I’m pretty terrific.)

So whilst visualising a nice picnic, lounging around in the sunshine, going for a scenic walk in my new 3¼ length cotton culottes, I happily booked the leg wax.
And true to form it pissed it down.
Apparently it was unexpected undercurrents coming in from Norway.
And to think, we took their AHA into our hearts. What a way to be repaid!

Mr DbT and I did set off hoping it would clear up, but no. We got as far as the first motorway service station before deciding not to carry on any further.
Instead, we spent the rest of the afternoon sat in the service station restaurant playing the travel Connect Four that we’d bought in the sweet shop.
(In actual fact he played, I just cheated…and I also realised he really did think I was pretty terrific. Despite each attempt becoming more obvious and outlandish than the last, he just shook his head, laughed and let me win.

Yes, on the one hand I realised it doesn’t matter where you are, if you click with someone, you click! And you don’t wanna be any where else but in their company.

But in the other hand surely my weather changing theory now could not be dismissed as sheer coincidence.

At first, I used to treat it like a silly joke…I’d laugh and make an off-the-cuff statement such as, ‘Oops sorry for the weather guys, got my legs waxed’
Until I noticed how often I was saying it.
My friends would equally rib me, 'Ha Ha, its raining, get your legs waxed did you?’
I’d quietly mutter ‘yes.’
And they too noticed how often I’d quietly mutter ‘yes’.

And suddenly it was publicly being acknowledged. At first, as a running joke.
But now, I can seriously see the worried look on everyone’s face.

What if there was more to this?

THOUGHT PROCESS AT TIME
Oh my god! I think I yield the power to change weather.

Did I? Could I ruin a loved one’s outdoor barbeque with a mere pluck of a hair follicle?

The responsibility!


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Wednesday - early evening

I walked into a bar in London’s Covent Garden to meet Julia and Bini. They had both taken the afternoon off work. Since the weather was predicted to be nice all week everyone had decided to take their time owed in lieu.
So as you can guess, they weren’t too best please with me.
“Girls if you’re gonna start I don’t want to hear it.”

“Actually now you come to mention it, we have been thinking about the coronation between you and the weather changing…” announced Julia

“You mean the correlation” I corrected

“That is what she said,” Bini jumped in.

“What if you do actually wield secret weather changing powers?” asked Julia.

“Really, you actually think so?” I sighed with relief.

I hadn’t been looking forward to coming here, especially after Bini’s outburst I was expecting a contempt filled stare that said ‘How dare you choose happiness over my enjoyment of sunshine.’

Yesterday after her outburst and accusations of selfishness I kinda broke down.
I was being victimised. No less than 7 –yes 7 friends texted me on Tuesday, demanding I explain myself.
All I have to do is innocently walk past the tubes of immac in the supermarket and a gust of wind is sent crashing round the earth. What did she know of the burden I carried?

Hence my reaction to permanent laser treatment – I’d bring on the bloody ice age.

I’d known all along I had weather chainging powers. But I could never acknowledge it publicly. Just look what happened to David Icke when he said he was the son of God, he was ridiculed. Of course I had to keep making light of my realisation.

However I was glad to see they’d seen the error of their ways and decided to be there for me. I didn’t have to carry this burden by myself. I now know how Superman felt when he finally confided in Lois Lane

“You could be like one of those characters in ‘Heroes’!” suggested Julia

Bini agreed immediately “Yes, you have the power to change weather. Only you didn’t realise it at first, let alone know how to harness it. You could never explain the weird things that would just happen.”

“So instead you lived your life as some freak loner,” Julia said “…Only you’re not, coz you’ve always had us.’ She added on as an after thought.

“But one day, the earth comes be under attack from the super villain Global Warming Man.” Described Bini.

“You and he are polar opposites. He with sunshine and you with rain. You were meant to work in harmony to keep this planet safe. Only his head was turned by evil,” Explained Julia. “And then you realise, you need to use your powers to save the world. You and you alone can make all this extra sunshine disappear, by having extra sunny thoughts,”

“And the only way to save the world is to feel happy. Only you can’t, coz the weather will only change when you envisage happiness.” Bini began to crank up her story telling technique by introducing dramatic hand gestures. “And how can you conjure up the feelings of happiness when the world is in peril.”

“When your loved ones are in peril,” Julia dramatically added on.

There was silence…

“And then you see him.” Bini suddenly pipes up causing Julia and I to jump.

“Him?” I ask

“Him, Mr DbT. And you think of your life with him, and you smile. Suddenly Global Warming Man screams in pain. He is weakening….And that’s when you realise how to use your powers. You take them happy thoughts and transfer them and use them against Global Warming Man.”

“And you save the world…Yaaaaaay!” Julia smiled, jumping up and down and clapping like a demented seal.

And once again there was silence.
At this stage I’m very worried as they both have very high paid, high pressured and high powered jobs in the city.
However this Jackanory tag team continued.

“Despite saving the world, your happiness doesn’t last,” Bini began again.

“Does it not? Why?” I asked

“Well its like we said, you have power to change the weather with your emotional intent. And the kind of happiness you imagine having with Mr DbT could also take the world to the brink of destruction, in the opposite way to global warming.” Julia explained with a rather sober tone.

And well, (dramatic pause – really the wrong friend studied drama) for the sake of the planet, you have to give up your love.” Bini now looked a touch confused. She couldn’t decide if this was the bit where she should burst into tears at the so called loss of my love. So instead, she just stood there and shrugged at me.

“But you won’t be lonely coz you’ll have us!” announced Julia, with Bini suddenly nodding in agreement. I was now faced with two sets of teeth beaming at me.

“Wow I feel so much better knowing I have you two.…Have the pair of you been drinking all afternoon?”

“Yep!” obediently came two dodgy nods in unison.

At which point I turned towards the barman and said, “I’ll have what ever they’re on – make it double.”

For the record, before either of their bosses read this and decide to fire them on the grounds of being mentally unhinged. I can assure you they do not believe I have genuine weather changing powers.
The pair had no intention of being supportive of my burden, but rather abuse it for their selfish gains.
They were after a freebie.
A TV guide magazine was running a competition, ‘write a treatment for an episode of Heroes set in London.’
If Julia and Bini won, they get a holiday for two in the states, which includes, flights, five night accommodation at a top hotel, £3000 spending money and they get to meet the cast of ‘Heroes’.

THOUGHT PROCESS AT TIME
Oh! How lonely at the top?

MY OATH TO THE NATION - I, Jo Jo – Miss Havoc on legs, do solemnly swear that from this point onwards shall never envisage any thoughts of being happy in the sunshine… no, not at all. Not one thought will enter my mind…although I might wear my new 3¼ length cotton culottes on Wednesday as Mr DbT is taking to see an open air Jazz concert…Oh it’s clouding over…Yikes!!!!!